Somtimes I don't understand how to express what I'm feeling, not to say that I'm not good at words, it's like...well...maybe we don't get words because it was not meant to express, it was meant to stay inside that four chambered sweet dwelling of yours. We are almost in the midst of September and I can feel the chilling wind piercing my skin, biting my bones and sadly I don't want to let go of my forest printed cotton shorts. *cries in the corner holding them* It will take me quite some time to get used to nylon lowers, into which whenever I flex my legs, my hairs stand like porcupines. Sadly my mommy will soon bury my favourite shorts along with other cotton clothes into a bag and hide them in the deepest darkest corner of our store room or cupboard. In the next summer, I can predict myself getting delighted at the sight of my old forest printed shorts only to realise it has become even shorter after completing its hibernation in the storeroom throughout the winter. Wait before I end my sad story about my favourite shorts, let me go and kiss it a final goodbye because by next summer it will have a new owner- my younger sister. *as usual- eye rolls*
Things are not same anymore, you see, clouds have been crying their hearts out since very long. Well it's good, they will also feel lighter but they have turned from blue to black. I wonder when I will see those different shades of turquoise and cerulean again. After a long time of hiding, I finally saw the stars. All of them were looking at me. They told me,
"Start taking out your blankets." Isn't it cute?
But today when I climbed on the terrace like every midnight, I asked them,
"Where's the Moon?"
None of them actually knew. Perhaps today I was going to make the stars cry. I told them about my last night's dream, how it choked me to wake up with blurred walls painted pink and green only to fall back on my pillow wondering what it was trying to tell me. I told them about that person who was very ignorant and didn't see what I had for him in my eyes. I told them how I was forced against my will to accept a situation. I told them how much I was missing my younger self, who didn't care what clothes she wore, how she sat, how she leapt on her uncle's lap, how she didn't care what others thought of her, all she knew, hundred alternative games to recommend if your friend denies to play the first suggested one. All problem she had was to choose one out of Butter Scotch Icecream and the Choclate one. I started telling them about mild anxiety attacks I got last night, I was not able to breathe, I —
And suddenly all of the stars disappered. I thought they got so emotional that they hid behind those fifty shades of black nasty clouds, but they forgot that I could hear them cry, blowing their noses off which made sound of thunder. I could see their tears drenching me, every drop's coldness digging deep into my skin. I stood there sky gazing. They were more empathetic than me that's why I missed the moon again. She would transform into her crescent self only to remind me to smile. I had more to say, more to share, more to vent, I was on the verge to accompany the stars in their crying ceremony when I saw my nani (maternal grandmother), subtly and noiselessly making her way towards me, tip toeing through the puddles of water. I never told her where I went very midnight but she seemed to know everything. She came near me and in no time I buried my scarlet eyes into her bossom. She snugged me in her arms and tapped softly on my right scapula. My shivering wrinkled fingertips held her shoulders tightly while hers grazed my head and she spoke,
"I'm proud of you beta."
She might have heard me having internal conflicts or my mind spoke too loudly that she eavesdropped. I told her how I don't want the days to pass, how nothing made sense to me, how my days were only getting heavier day by day, I told her I want to hold on and not let go, I clutched her saree's ends in my fist, weaping like anything. We had different rates of breath, I was not able to make out whether I was sobbing or hiccuping breathlessly. Nani didn't say anything, she let my eyes turn numb, wetting her neatly plated tangerine saree. My bloodshot eyes peeped into hers- calm and soft - through her oval gold rimmed specs. I searched for answers but all I saw my own reflection in the brown part of her eyes. She gave me a tender smile always knowing how to comfort my restless soul. Always — she did the same. I would cry - she'll smile and then she'll be gone but this time I held her firmly—
"No, Nani, please."
"I'll come back again, don't worry." she whispered with that same smile stretched over her face making it look even more wrinkled.
"No, p-pl-pleaseee..." I begged. "Stay a little longer, NANI...Nani..."
She effortlessly loosened herself from my steady grip and rose higher - higher - even higher , stretched like a streak of golden light, she struck the void sky like a shooting star and then... there she was shining brightly amidst the grey shapeless clouds - like a sharp small milky pearl- looking at me. As Always. I was only six months old when she left her earthly body, never imagining she would return to see the teen me. Ever since I stole her photograph from my parent's marriage album and pasted it at the back of my secret journal diary, she visted me daily, sometimes in the form of a white feather or that same pigeon pecking at my window pane, or a whisper in my ear - telling 'everything's gonna be okay!' or a gentle touch on my shoulder out of the blue. She had her own ways. She didn't possess footsteps. She just came and went- silently and swiftly. I told her I missed the moon and then firecrackers bursted - pink- sea blue- peacock green - royal red - a mixture of all hues of rainbow. I smiled, only a few people know I have dimples too. *blushing*
Okay probably my Nani was trying to tell me that moon is going to appear soon after all she (moon) loves listening to my muses every night and we'd dance together under her moonlit spotlight. September will end on a good note, that's what I know but right now- a fortnight more to go. Let's see, next time I will tell Nani that her smile looks even more beautiful in that maroon lipstick which she always used to put before coming in front of Nana. I know she'll blush and as I'm writing this, she pushed a glass from the table and–
"BANGG!"
Seems like she don't want me tell you this. Haha!
ok
until then,
~tata
ps- now she's banging the window panes. Listen don't tell anybody that I told you about my Nani. Ok? Or else she'll throw knives at you from up above. Haha!
Have a nice day/night ahead and do drop your comments and share.
:)
