Midnight thoughts are a weird thing. But she liked them- she was made that way. People call it overthinking but she thought they were fantasies. She believed that, 'just because its a fantasy doesn't necessarily mean it's unreal'. She was born to see beauty even in the ugliest things. She's different- she has always been. It's like though she has eyes like everybody else - chocolaty brown- but she's the only person whom i met, sees everything differently. The corners of her eyes would wrinkle and would make her eyes vanish into a thin line. I'm jealous of her dimples. Those soft, faint on her left cheek. She would mimic Miguel from Coco pointing her right cheek then left, to and fro- " Dimple, Dimple Gone. Dimple, Dimple Gone." It's impossible to not be cheerful around her. She won't make eye contact with anyone but when she does, she mean it.
pc- Pinterest
She chooses to see souls of only a few people, and she proves that eyes are for sure the gateway to them. She would describe yours like she's humbly touching it the way nobody ever did, like she knows how to fill the voidness, how to heal the wounds and how to embrace you. She sees everything like an art. Like a special token of being. She captures everything in those pupils and hold them so delicately leaving people mesmerized. She lives for herself. She would go on blabbering about how she's full of complexities to almost everyone whom she meets and she still thinks she's scared of them and their minds. I told her that she was like that koi fish, who lived out of water, who breaths, who's still alive but still chants stories of how she's scared of living without water. I told her, you've been doing that for more than sixteen years now. So you really think you are scared ? She looked at me in disbelief.
Yes sometimes, she gets lost in seeing the beauty around. She says, she's art herself. I like that about her. She is so full of flaws,like, she doesn't know how to hate somebody or how to never forgive them or how to take revenge. There's something about her smile, she radiates light and she would make you feel as if you are the luckiest person on earth. She has the power to make anybody's presence, Special. I'm jealous how effortlessly she does everything at once. I wonder what gods were thinking while creating her. She would go around patting everybody and would treat you like a child, she'd make you feel adorable. She reveals her bunny teeth instead of hiding her infectious laugh. Maybe that's why people always misunderstand her, just because she's different? Just because sometimes it's like hyena laughing. She says, "I'm like everybody else is- unique and different." And she would smile carrying those sparks in her eyes while saying that. She carried that thought like it was her dearest possession. She looks like she has some sort of anwer or is she an answer?
She is weird. I thought she liked being that way. She said, i don't like being that way. I'm that way. I'm like that authentic self. I must say, she becomes poetic about everything. She would carry her own philosophies about everything. She would say, it's not because I'm illogical but i like the idea of it, the thought of seeing things a certain way, not because it isn't true but because it feels right. It feels good. She would call everyone humans as if she herself is an alien possessing a human body. She says she's a starseed. She would complain how dull humans are so many times. She would complain about humans who can't see the beauty in small things and how she was put in boxes so many times. She hates labels. "We aren't products after all",she says. She would see even a small lantern with such amazement as if she has just hatched out of an egg. She knows how to use her brain but switches it off because it talks nonsense so many times and prohibits her from being free spirited and spontaneous. She says when she does that, when she throws her nerve cells in the back seat, she's able to process properly, she's able to live fully , she's able to shout at a random stranger and say, " you look amazing in that jacket", she's able to leave a tip in a cafe, buy from small businesses and adobt lonely street dogs.
She says she don't know who she is and how she doesn't belong here and then would go on doing most random things and by doing that she says, "oh, I'm just exploring myself." She would talk like she's that beautiful scenery, like the warmth of the setting sun and twilight's magic. She's like those tiny twinkling stars on cold,dark days. And still would go on making new starry friends to make her own constellations and give it names-Mistletoe,Miracle, Angel, Dante, sometimes Donuts or nuts. She's like those rainbow Dutch tulips by the windmills. She's William Wordsworth's dancing golden Daffodil by the river side under the shade of tree. Even passing shapeless clouds would form a smile at her sight. She's always alive, filled with unknown abstractness, inside, which one day she desires to give shape of her own heartmade arts. She wants to be an artist, i guess. She's always putting puzzles and creating something which she herself doesn't know. She loves being in solitude. She's always in search of something. I told her you are lost. She denied saying, "no, I'm a wanderer and wanderers are never lost." They see things which are meant to be seen, she finds people who wants to be found, she sees soul in everything. She sees a purpose in everything or would sketch one of hers.
I wonder how she do that. She said, "cherry blossoms' purpose isn't to tell us the arrival of spring but a symbolism of renewal and to have patience for there's happiness and fullness like the spring after the dullness and cosiness of autumns. Once she said, "we have hairs on our head because it's purpose is to be an antina of our emotions. It would play with the wind and float around on the days when you feel high spirited. It confirms you are happy and dances with you and on the days you are sad, it lays flat." She would always ask , "do i make sense?" She don't understand that sometimes it's not easy to answer that. It's not easy like a yes or a no. So i say, ' i love you' instead. She would smile and that's the smile which would be enough to tell anybody how every cell of her body is dancing and how every particle of her soul is joyous. I feel lucky that time because she isn't easy to be read. She unintendly holds herself like a mystery. She really is. Always. And i think that's what makes her even more beautiful, sacred and divine. She's a true goddess. She hold capacities which normally people don't. She isn't easy to put into words. It's hard to express her being. Afterall she's complicated. She likes being messy, the way she is, not because it's chaotic but she thinks it's beautiful. That makes me laugh everytime. She would purposely make punctuation errors- because for her, imperfect is perfect.
Her birthday is on her way, i think this is my little token of thanks to her for being a part of my life. For making me who i am. Simply for existing and choosing to never dim her light. I think she needs this pep talk for right now she was thinking of the koi fish. This time I'll pat her and tell,
"C mon Joy, you are more than a fish. Don't you say you are an alien?"
I can imagine her saying,
"No, a starseed. Idiot. You people always misunderstand me."
And we both would laugh and i must confess now that I'm infected by that laugh for she is a real inspiration. She makes me see the world like i have never before. See myself like never before. Like I'm an art and I'm its creator. And i know when she'll read it, she'll jump with excitement,
"That's BEAUTIFUL".