Ola homo sapiens!!
Can you imagine (there's a song which hit me rn - Imaaagicaa, ee aa ee aa eee yaa) new year's around the corner. In last few weeks my hormones decided to create a ruckus inside my body- too much chaos for me to handle and i broke down. It's insanely life-like how all of a sudden all of things fall together and push you down the cliff and we reach at the rock bottom, look up at the sky and ask "Why? Why all of this?" Something similar happened and kept on happening. Things were just not in my control. All i saw were my room's blurred walls and the pitch black trapped inside my blanket and my lungs suffocating under my thoughts' pressure. I didn't know when was the last time i was blinded by the enormous light. I forgot when was the last time i kept my phone on full brightness. Yup! My life switched onto the dark mode without me being aware of it. Weird? But completely normal. I almost felt like i have to revisit the doctor in the same week. One of my classmate said, "Oh, you must be prepared for the exam". I didn't say anything but the next day my teacher did say, "What shit you have done in the paper?" I laughed- idk why? But i think it was better than weeping over that thin white sheet printed with black ink, savagely smiling at me as if "some numbers were again going to decide my capabilities".
I never had a good relation with numbers. I always forget them but they never forget to constantly remind me that 'i need to improve', 'i'm not enough', etc, sometimes in the form of a two digit written on my report card, or under the tip of weighing scale, measuring tape, some on calenders, some in the form of candle on my birthday cake or some in the stats of my social pages.( wtf, I'm so done w my phone lagging everytime I'm typing, don't they get i hate when something disrupts my writing flow, excuse me) See, i never knew mathematics had so much of ego that it'll interfere its nose in my everyday life. That's the reason maths was never my fav subject. I think one day it should book a meeting with commerce and learn to mind its own business. (read 'own fucking business') *winks*.
Coming back to the topic. My playlist kept on playing 'all time low' on repeat, that's what I do, i go in search of some art so that it feels less lonely, defining my state of being, knowing someone is out there feeling exactly the way I do. Then 'skiping to the good part', for the first time in a whole big chunk of months i went out and actually felt ALIVE. I told myself- this last week of this last month of this year is going to be mine. I'm gonna mold it exactly how i want it to be. It consisted of trying the new coffee flavour, texting someone and reconciliating, walking instead of driving, fulfilling my wildly growing curiosity by watching the movies instead of reading that book in my tbr and feeling good about it, finally ordering a hardcover so that I can annotate, buying Emily Dickinson's collection of poetry and my first ever amethyst, spending instead of saving, being infront of camera rather than clicking for others (yes it's a big deal for my non photogenic self), smelling the fragrance of flowers- the names i don't know, reaching out to people and taking the first step, having a guilt free no bath day, drinking tea with half-melted 'samosas' in it, putting on the pink tinted lip balm and finally having one which i love, dancing all around the apartment and eating sweet dates, shaking hands, randomly wishing 'merry Christmas', buying a plastic lantern from a poor instead of fancy sipper from Archies, taking the escalator (yes, I'm scared of it), holding hands and singing along amidst the traffic, sorting out past grudges and not feeling bad for deserving a break, eating 'golgappas', making vision boards, watching a stupid erotic movie, *seductively winks*, having a heart-to-heart convos, not doing chores and letting my hair down.
It's humungous wheh i think of it like this. I did more of things in the past few days than the entire year. Bravo! happy i made it through all. *pats myself* I discovered new songs, quotes, people, new favs and parts of me this year. I think for a year like this - y'all should also take a break and chill and doing something non- monotonous. Now i don't feel like writing- meet you soon.
until then,
~tata
:))
ps- a reminder to drink more water, sleep early, go out walking in dawn and hug a tree and also that it's gonna be alright, put ur nerve cells at ease for a while.
